Got Self-Esteem? Part II
Okay, so picking up where we left off...something about not wanting to look at yourself in the mirror right? Well, this may seem a bit extreme, but I've had some clients to share this with me during our sessions. Unfortunately, seeing their self in the mirror is not a physical problem, but more mental. They absolutely do not see any value in who they are and believe that others feel the same way about them. I recently had a client to tell me about her ongoing issues with just buying groceries at the local grocery store. For her, this experience is always cumbersome and increases her levels of anxiety to where it is almost unbearable.
Now, for all of you therapists out there who are starting to think that this may be agoraphobia (fear of being in public places with others), it is not in the slightest, as this individual does not fear that she will be trapped in a public place where she cannot escape. Her fear is that every single person who looks at her thinks something is wrong with her and can spot it so easily that there is no way that she can hide it. Her symptoms are definitely panicky, (eyes tearing up, stammering when she speaks feeling flushed, face turning red and an inability to think clearly).
When asked about her thoughts regarding why this occurs, she simply answers, "I don't know. I know that what I'm feeling is crazy and I know that every person can't possibly be looking at me, but it's hard not to feel this way when I'm there. It's like all of these feelings that just come over me and I just want to run out of the store."
Of course there is much processing that takes place after this in our session, however, for the sake of our discussion, I just want to highlight just how powerful self-esteem is and how it can control us even in the most simple tasks such as buying groceries. Others may look at us in passing and think absolutely nothing of the quick encounter, however, for those who feel as if they have nothing of value to offer their self, or anyone else, a quick encounter feels like an eternity of the person knowing their ugly little secret.
So how do many of these people cope? Well as I mentioned before, some turn to alcohol, drugs, sex and any other (unhealthy) way in which they can attempt to escape from the pain they feel from their lack of self-acceptance. Many times if they do not get help, their symptoms continue to get worse as well as their attempts to escape their world. Does this sound like anyone you know?
Please don't get me wrong regarding the symptoms of low self-esteem because they show up in different ways. There is also control, anger and depression to name a few more. Individuals with low self-esteem feel the constant urge to always control their surroundings and the people who are close to them. Since they have rejected their self, they believe that others will automatically do this as well; therefore, they have to constantly stay on guard and in control in order to "stay ahead" and keep from getting hurt. This usually backfires as they, in a sense, begin to create their own hurt due to their constant over-controlling behaviors. This is what we call a "self-fulfilling" prophecy. For example, I am so afraid that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me (not me personally because I am happily married) that I go through his phone, demand to know where he is at all times whenever he is out of my site, and constantly berate him if he even glances at another female in passing. As a result, instead of creating a happy relationship that could possibly be on a path towards marriage, my relationship is constantly in turmoil with arguments about trust and cheating. It becomes self-fulfilling whenever I find out my that boyfriend is in fact cheating on me with another, much more confident female. However, instead of realizing that my constant obsession with controlling him probably caused this, I blame my now ex for cheating and the terrible outcome now reaffirms my self-rejection. If I don't get help, more than likely I will find my way into another relationship and acting out the same scenarios until that one fails as well.
Let's pick up again with part III of this topic and discuss more of the symptoms such as anger and rage. Please leave comments if this topic interests you and if you have any specific questions. See you next time!
Now, for all of you therapists out there who are starting to think that this may be agoraphobia (fear of being in public places with others), it is not in the slightest, as this individual does not fear that she will be trapped in a public place where she cannot escape. Her fear is that every single person who looks at her thinks something is wrong with her and can spot it so easily that there is no way that she can hide it. Her symptoms are definitely panicky, (eyes tearing up, stammering when she speaks feeling flushed, face turning red and an inability to think clearly).
When asked about her thoughts regarding why this occurs, she simply answers, "I don't know. I know that what I'm feeling is crazy and I know that every person can't possibly be looking at me, but it's hard not to feel this way when I'm there. It's like all of these feelings that just come over me and I just want to run out of the store."
Of course there is much processing that takes place after this in our session, however, for the sake of our discussion, I just want to highlight just how powerful self-esteem is and how it can control us even in the most simple tasks such as buying groceries. Others may look at us in passing and think absolutely nothing of the quick encounter, however, for those who feel as if they have nothing of value to offer their self, or anyone else, a quick encounter feels like an eternity of the person knowing their ugly little secret.
So how do many of these people cope? Well as I mentioned before, some turn to alcohol, drugs, sex and any other (unhealthy) way in which they can attempt to escape from the pain they feel from their lack of self-acceptance. Many times if they do not get help, their symptoms continue to get worse as well as their attempts to escape their world. Does this sound like anyone you know?
Please don't get me wrong regarding the symptoms of low self-esteem because they show up in different ways. There is also control, anger and depression to name a few more. Individuals with low self-esteem feel the constant urge to always control their surroundings and the people who are close to them. Since they have rejected their self, they believe that others will automatically do this as well; therefore, they have to constantly stay on guard and in control in order to "stay ahead" and keep from getting hurt. This usually backfires as they, in a sense, begin to create their own hurt due to their constant over-controlling behaviors. This is what we call a "self-fulfilling" prophecy. For example, I am so afraid that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me (not me personally because I am happily married) that I go through his phone, demand to know where he is at all times whenever he is out of my site, and constantly berate him if he even glances at another female in passing. As a result, instead of creating a happy relationship that could possibly be on a path towards marriage, my relationship is constantly in turmoil with arguments about trust and cheating. It becomes self-fulfilling whenever I find out my that boyfriend is in fact cheating on me with another, much more confident female. However, instead of realizing that my constant obsession with controlling him probably caused this, I blame my now ex for cheating and the terrible outcome now reaffirms my self-rejection. If I don't get help, more than likely I will find my way into another relationship and acting out the same scenarios until that one fails as well.
Let's pick up again with part III of this topic and discuss more of the symptoms such as anger and rage. Please leave comments if this topic interests you and if you have any specific questions. See you next time!
Comments
Post a Comment